Blow Torch (or: desert diaspora v_02)

what it's like
to not feel safe
because the fire rages around all of us
destroying some lives entirely
and inexplicably sparing other homes

it's koran-burning talk on TV
in the basement of Riverside Medical Center,
waiting for an x-ray and huddled with held-back tears
I can't read the script, can't hear the words
then the doctor says: lungs clear.

this is the world of many homeless
this is where the old orange grove once was
next to the make believe river which is dry
until you get close enough to the hidden heart
mid-cottonwood, mini-cauliflower cosmology
water-cycle-breath
mountains to valley to sea

we stopped it up
by tearing it apart

the Bible, the Koran,
they both
came from a desert
just like this
Noah's Ark, I remember
getting those little plastic
animals at the Arco Gas Station
in Rialto on Foothill Boulevard

it's unpredictable, the planners will say
we have to make it safe
we don't want floods
we do want suburban homes

I believe you have asthma, my lass.
that's why your chest has been hurting so badly
that's why your upper back feels like it's burning sometimes.
that's why you cough and wheeze until you cry.

walgreens for an asthma inhaler.
then Bristol Farms on Country Club, Palm Desert,
samples of erotica

dams don't always work
earthquake version 9.0 about to erupt
and southern California's inland coastal valleys
are pockmarked with false lakes
cement waterways
never enough
to put out the drought
to combat fire season
some of us live closer
to the source
and feel its loss
while others yet don't
and how they yet mock

something about the desert
too much dust, not enough trees
too much emptiness of the interior
plastered with remembered and remodeled facelifts.
Grass - lear jet backwash across
Whitewater Wash
an empty face of sand
imprisoned between
miles of gold courses
narrowing its neck (remove double chins)

it always happens to someone else
because they asked for it
because of how they built their life
what did they expect?
love-making on the worst night of fire season
the last time the life-shred Santa Anas swallowed
chunks of Malibu, the San Fernando Valley
you brought this on
it is all your fault

it was gray too soon in the I.E.
but burning blue and white out here, as always,
and so I diamond shop for dinner, a cartier of the mouth,
lacking soul food:

lemongrass linguine + mushroom medley + cauliflower-red pepper
+ stir fry + grilled salmon salad + expensive gouda cheese
+ eggplant hummus +
one recyclable plastic fork (a new thing)

swallowing
is what we all do,
let's just speak the truth

it's downtown Riverside, la tablita on university by the front window
hugging friends who randomly stop by, chili_relleno and no bread
darkness vaporizes
I drive home on the 91-215-60-10-cook street loop
for the 492n'd time (somewhere around there)

and you'd always drive my car, it was all good
something about 2 am and broken bridges
being retrofitted for e-q standards
gets a little old,
as if I would be the one
to be on that bridge
the instant the big one hits (again)

it's the pool guy banging on the slider, just wanted to say thanks
for moving the trash cans that were in my way in the side yard where I come in
and the weather is suddenly so cool...........weightless..........

it's the fleece cougar blanket, two fleece jackets, one orange pashmina and
a pricey cotton sweater for creative writing at noon: the classroom is COLD
I offer what warmth I can to my students, and they take me up on it

don't worry
we can save ourselves
200 cans of organic soup
29 boxes of shotgun ammo
a new gate more securely locked
restraining order against the stalker
two big dogs and camping supplies
I know how to backpack for months
I've done it before
life on the streets
in the woods
freeze-dry food, instant oats
we don't need much to survive

it's not Tarah texting/her 2nd week in Minnesota
with new in-laws I don't know
others. numbers I don't know who's behind them.
"what ru doing 2day"
"I love you"
"yr my hero"
"can you call me I need to talk"
"full tilt boogie"
"come over!"
"where u at?"
"do you have flyers for your next event?"
"I want my fam to know ur my still my friend"

it's the small hairbrush
it's Brindle and Shasta shedding fur
it's my new do-it-yourself-haircut that everyone seems to love
it's paying off the American Express bill
and slicing the cheese extra thin
it's curling up in the back bedroom on the new bed I bought 6 months ago
in a blanket and crying myself back to sleep at dawn
it's paperwork I can't get through
it's dishes I can't understand
it's waking up to peace + bird-songs by the window:

...................it's another day and I am now taking asthma medication
maybe I'll be able to breathe this afternoon
and write the gratitude list:
I am grateful for sunrise
I am grateful for the dark water
I am grateful for the dogs
I am grateful, um, to have a job
I am grateful for the bullet holes, I can believe, I think,
that they offer light after all

there's no children to worry about
..........pictures of lost parents
on the milk cartons...............

you are free! Free at last!
..........to do what, to reach for
what missing fingers you once had......

sort of like my lungs
wanting to feel at one
with the rest of my entirety
stomach, breasts, and heart
but lacking a windpipe

I'll make up for that
the other organs are there,
the negatives demonstrate that
I just need to remember
to reach for the suck-plunge inhaler
invite oxygen, even though
it causes rust

I make up for gambling
by going to extra church

I make up for not reading
by burning books

I make up for God
by making the sign of the cross
when I drive by highway accident sites
offering the crude wooden cross

it's 9.11 tomorrow and I imagine emergencies,
books burning and the hole left deep in mid-city ground,
invisible catch-all
with no words
printable
for this

one step away from empty brain,
empty book,
9.11 of the soul
something to sedate us all for
body memory
one part
many wholes

bellow: does it mean: below
or
to blow
or reach for the hose
fire of breath
dead center
has new meaning for me now
Buddha
taking arrows between the eyes,
He approves