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Friday, July 30, 2010

"Puritan Reviews" on LA Books Examiner and SF Books Examiner

I just found this....the good thing about sitting in the desert day and night, glued to the computer, cleaning up files, reflecting on recent months of living....these reviews give a lot of overview and insight of the many diverse and fascinating authors whose works appear in "Puritan," and also offer literary criticism that serves as a guide for me.....and....

I hope others, to understand the complex framework of how the works are carefully arranged, to reflect a cornucopia of stories spilling out of an apparently lifeless form...spilling onto the table for a literary feast in astonishing abundance from our state's most arid lands....in a recursive, not-entirely-linear literary passage....circling in and in upon itself as a comprehensive and self-containing, time-and-people-and-events embracing gesture of the ouroboros...a nifty paradigm that hopefully provides a convenient metaphor for the collection's intent...to the earliest people in the earliest times - the desert's vastly diverse, Native Americans - who have lived here since before time as those of us in the early 21st century *think* we know it began.

In short: these reviews help me understand the book better than I ever could have while steeped in the deepness of...bringing it to fruition, working closely every step of the way with my wise editor and guide, Gayle Wattawa, Acquistions Editor at Heyday (who also edited Inlandia: a literary journey through Southern California's Inland Empire, 2006), and many friends and colleagues, without whose widespread support this book never would have been.

No Place for a Puritan - here is a very nice review by the LA Books Examiner:
published on May 10, by reviewer Laura Frazin Steele




No Place for a Puritan: The Literature of California's Deserts edited by Ruth Nolan is an interesting and unique anthology that focuses on the history and culture of California's richly diverse desert region. No Place for a Puritan is published by Heyday Books, a Berkeley, California based publisher that aspires to deepen the awareness of California's rich cultural, natural, literary, and historic resources.

Ruth Nolan's No Place for a Puritan will expand the reader's understanding and appreciation of the California desert. Rather than viewing the desert as a wasteland, the reader will come to realize that the desert is an exotic environment that has become overdeveloped, overcrowded, and threatened.

No Place for a Puritan examines the California desert within the context of its inherent dangers, the lure of the desert and desert life, changes to the desert landscape over time, and conservation and protection of its resources.

This distinctive anthology includes the works of 80 respected and award winning authors and poets. Their contributions are as rich and diverse as the desert itself. For example, No Place for a Puritan includes the poem "Sleep in the Mojave Desert" by the late acclaimed poet and author Sylvia Plath. Her highly descriptive poem was inspired by a night of camping in the desert.

Furthermore, No Place for a Puritan includes an excerpt from Farewell to Manzanar, the moving bestseller that documents living conditions for Japanese Americans in a relocation center during World War II by Jeanne Wakatsuki Houston and her late husband James D. Houston.

Also included in No Place for a Puritan is an excerpt from The Raw Pearl, the autobiography of the late Pearl Bailey, a legendary American singer and entertainer who lived in a dude ranch in Apple Valley, California that catered to African Americans during the 1950s.

Joseph E. Stevens' well-researched book Hoover Dam: An American Adventure offers a history of Hoover Dam, which allowed for the settlement of Southwest deserts and inland regions. An excerpt from Hoover Dam is included in No Place for a Puritan to describe major historical changes to the desert landscape over time.

The late writer and environmentalist Marc Reisner contributed to No Place for a Puritan with his excerpt from Cadillac Desert, which documents the complex policies and history of water management in the nation's West. The excerpt from Cadillac Desert describes the epic construction of the Los Angeles aqueduct, which imports water into Southern California from the California Owens Valley.

The award winning environmental and political writer Rebecca Solnit movingly describes her political activism in a 1994 antinuclear demonstration at the Yucca Mountain test site in her book Savage Dreams, which is excerpted in No Place for a Puritan. In Savage Dreams Rebecca Solnit closely examines nuclear testing conducted by the U.S. government in California's Mojave Desert.

On Thursday May 13, 2010, editor Ruth Nolan and No Place for a Puritan contributors Juan Felipe Herrera and Susan Straight will discuss their work at the Riverside Art Museum at 6:00 p.m. Additional information about these authors and the event will be available in this column. If you would like an e-mail notification of this event and more information about the authors, click the subscribe button at the top of the page.

No Place for a Puritan: The Literature of California's Deserts edited by Ruth Nolan is available through Heyday Books.
this review can also be viewed online at http://www.examiner.com/x-31737-LA-Books-Examiner~y2010m5d10-No-Place-for-a-Puritan-explores-changes-to-Californias-deserts

AND HERE IS ANOTHER REVIEW....from San Francisco Books Examiner No Place for a Puritan: the Literature of California’s Deserts. Reviewed by SF Books Examiner LJ Moore April 3

Ruth Nolan’s 2009 anthology, No Place for a Puritan, is a collection of stories, poems, essays, and meditations on the deserts of California, divided into seven sections: Dangers, Crossings, Refuge and Exile, Lure, Desert as Home, Changing Desert, and Conservation/Protection. The variety and range of contributors makes this collection go to work differently on the consciousness than does a single-author book, creating an impression by accumulation, and offering a vicarious experience through observations, epiphanies, and lore about the desert landscape no single person could accrue in one lifetime.

Reading No Place for a Puritan is like sitting around a campfire listening to John Steinbeck, Cesar Chavez, Joan Didion, Hunter S. Thompson, Aldous Huxley, Rebecca Solnit, General George S. Patton and Panamint Annie compare notes... only without the fistfight.

Nolan’s guiding genius in putting together this anthology is the recognition that an essential character of the human psyche is to attach emotional values to our physical spaces, and then to treat them accordingly. For many of us, the desert is labeled internally as an empty, no-go zone: a place you wouldn’t want to run out of gas, or the interminable emptiness one is forced to drive through on the way to Las Vegas or Yuma or Palm Springs. It has been variously called unforgiving, deadly, barren, hellish, and is even in film and fiction depicted as inhabited with a kind of supernatural or diabolical cruelty. That imagined desert is a flat, cartoonish place, empty, sere and scattered with the bones of the wayward: a stereotype that holds, not because it is true, but because in a place of both subtlety and extremes, the extremes are easier to see.

To see the desert as it really is, one must enter it and spend some time there, as the authors included in this anthology have done. One must get quiet and one must get small, as Ann Haymond Zwinger does, following the telltale signs of sidewinders and fringe-toed lizards: species uniquely adapted to flow nimbly across sand dunes. Alternatively, there is the way of Mary Elizabeth White, a miner and prospector who moved to Death Valley in 1931 and made her home there until 1979, living in a Model A truck, an old army ambulance, or as part of an itinerant “prospector family.” Then there's Pearl Bailey, who took over a dude ranch and called the desert home. There is also the tribal history of the deserts, home to Native American peoples, among them the Chemehuevi, Paiute, Mojave, Kawaiisu, Cahuilla, Serrano, Koso, and Kitanemuk, for thousands of years. And there is the darker history: the nuclear bomb tests, the Japanese internment camps, the Salton Sea: our attempts to tame and reshape the landscape to serve our purposes by unsustainable development.

In bringing together this deep and varied array of writings, Nolan offers a glimpse into the richness and subtlety of the California deserts: both physically and culturally. It is strangely impossible not to fall in love with a place at once enduring and vulnerable. On one hand, the desert refuses to be harnessed in the ways we have tried: paved into resorts, or irrigated to a suburban splendor. On the other hand, it is a precarious ecosystem, a place where the balance between living and dying is always skin-thin. It is a place so quiet you can hear a raven flying half a mile away because of the wind against its feathers. A place where, after a spring rain, you could lie on your belly and count a thousand flowers within three feet of your face, all less than two inches high.

Why is it no place for a Puritan? Because there's no point in harnessing the mules just to drive them into the dust. The history of our human relationship with California’s deserts drives home a critical lesson: peace and longevity with nature can't be achieved by considering ourselves an instrument of its domination. At worst we lust after the wrong dreams, but at best we acknowledge nature on it's own terms, becoming part of it: participants whose best achievements come from learning to appreciate and adapt to its larger rhythm.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Happy Birthday Tarah



Tarah (Nolan) Templin, married on January 16, 2010, is 22 years old today! Born 7.28.88 at 9:04 pm by C-Section at St. Mary's Hospital in Apple Valley, CA. Daughter of Ruth & Vincent. Tarah is 1/4 Lakota Sioux Indian, with an important North Dakota-based family that traces back to Major James McLaughlin and Sitting Bull. On my side and dad's side, she is Irish. Tarah is taller than me by a few inches, and much smarter. Her command of the English language in poetry and prose is formidable, and her incisive instinct for irony is unmatched; her sense of humor is brilliant. Tarah has attended Pitzer College in Claremont and is currently living at the Salton Sea. She is just as at home painting or singing opera (she excels at both) as she is cooking gourmet meals, camping out on a remote river trip, or wrapping herself stylishly in trendy fashions. What I value most in Tarah, however, is her kind heart and generosity. Tomorrow, we are going to Laguna Beach to celebrate her birthday, with no ice cream cake but definitely a long walk and stories of past birthdays spent at Sea World and a salad for dinner. Tarah just adopted a new puppy, and is a devoted animal lover, formerly serving as a junior volunteer at the Living Desert Zoo and also volunteering for the local animal shelter. She is an amazing person and I'm floored and honored to be her mother. I love you, Tarah! xxoo....from Mom

Recycled Poem



created during the collaboration of writers and artists during May, 2010, UCR-California Museum of Photography Mapping the California Desert project. Phantom Seed Magazine issue #4 (editors: Ruth Nolan, Ching-In Chen, Eric Shonkwiler, publication September, 2010) will feature works from participants in the project, and will also be featured on the Sweeney Gallery Museum website. "Recycled Poem" copyright (c) 2010 by Ruth Nolan.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Ochoa's Farm, Thermal, Temperature 122

Ochoa's Farm, Thermal, California
Temperature: 122


I put up the season's hot chilis, freshly drum-roasted
slimy green seaweed for a dehydrated white woman
marooned near the Salton Sea on this ancient shore.
I strip sweaty skin from smooth muscles, the stinging
passion of jellyfish singed into my hands, caress their
peppery brown stems, rinse the white seeds from their

wombs, tuck their hearts safely away, pack a dozen
ziplock bags with my contraband, another stash of
secret dreams. I look to the sky. Towering date palm
trees rise in one sigh, fruit yet bulging in brown bags.
Tonight, the chilis will freeze, and plump gray clouds
bigger than sperm whales will swim across the line

by Ruth Nolan
copyright (c) 2010 by Ruth Nolan

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Full Moon Near

Almost Here. The full mid-summer moon touches me in the high desert. Drove up to Joshua Tree yesterday, late afternoon. For my reading. Barely coherent, sun-smoked. Humid and hot, hot, hot. 115 here and 105 up there. Ghostly on Highway 62. Red Arrow Gallery. I arrived early. I was there with Phil on March 29 for another reading and the last picture of us together was taken then. I wore soft pink lipstick, my cool blue suede leather jacket. I look, in the pictures, elated. I was. Phil was near. We got to talk to a famous alchemist and journalist. A very nice man who has unlocked the code for anti-aging and is living proof of its success. Phil had incredibly intelligent questions to ask him. I could only stand by and smile.

Reaching down to guide me through reading. Nervous. Feeling Scorpio inward. Summer days, isolation days, worrying about Tarah days. Headache days. Too much coffee days. Not enough green tea days. A dash for the beach last week and heart in throat. We were there, we were at the Starbucks in Huntington Beach. Shit. Thought I could put it back. There it is. A homeless woman with long gray wig hair yells at traffic. She may be waiting for the bus. But the bus drives by. People go into Taco Bell, ignoring it.

Nervous. Reading with a famous author, and in a migraine days, realize I'm stuttering a little bit. Shy and scared. Not totally like me. But there is a different me these days. Last minute poem shuffle, deciding what to read, and digging the fact that the desert would backdrop me through the floor to ceiling window as I read, to the setting sun. Creosote, the earth's oldest living plants. Safety and security in that. Even if joshua trees signify the gates of heaven and hell. The light show and rave at the music fest here last May was a wonder in itself and I wish, wish, wish I could've been there with Phil. He lived for that stuff and I could see why. The coolest light show I've ever seen with the coolest, mixed up ambient beats, under soft desert night air. Magic. The spirit of parties in the desert when I was growing up. Nothing can match that. Or does. I live it again and again. Full moon splash when the sun is finally down and I read, sweetly and shyly but wryly of course, and tragi-strong. Beauty lives at the edge of terror, is what Malcolm said at the Into California reading last May. And I come from the middle of nowhere, I told him. That's where this all comes from, where it all comes in.

Sideways. I see friends in the audience of 25 or 30 who've come to see me and Deanne, hear she and I read. How honored I am, to have arrived from nothing today, and here they are. Caryn. Rainbow. Barbara. Rob & his wife Kate. Cheryl, such a generous hostess, and Katie, owner of the Red Arrow. Putting out the wine. I drink a little bit. To get over my stage fright. A few people approach me, in awe of the desert book, some having already read. I am surprised. Oh yeah, the book. Right. Sure I'll sign it. More copies are sold. Rob buys a copy of my poetry chapbook, Dry Waterfall. Now, I'm REALLY shy. He's such an awesome prose writer that I'm embarrassed. So it's time to read.

I preface with the quote I love from Chemehuevi Indian elder Larry Eddy: "I'm going to tell you a story,he said. But before I tell you that story, I am going to break your heart." Preface to the telling of one of the stories of the Salt Song Trail.

And so I read: Rattlesnake in the Cooler (haiku series, Andreas Canyon). from the preface to "No Place for a Puritan." Then, Mirage. Orouboros (Amargosa River). Jumping Cholla/Teddy Bear Cactus. Friendly Fire. Slow Freeze. Home Girl. Ghost Flower. Poolside. Wonder Valley. Chemehuevi Cemetery. Rattlesnake in the Cooler, V_02.

I didn't read Two Bunch Palms or St. Michael, V_02. I also decided against Phenomenal Phil; Stillbirth: Lake Mojave, Late June; Ochoa's Farm; Washboard Road. So little time. So many poems.

Moonside. The Joshua Tree Saloon. Too loud but we pile over there. Starving. I haven't had dinner or lunch. Past big bouncers, and an older gentleman, obviously quite well into his drinking night, smiles at me and says "here comes a live one!" If he only knew. I laugh, a little cynically, shake my head, ignore him, move on.

Me and a group of cool women friends, named above. I drink a fat tire beer (memories there and in red stripe beer) and we listen to horribly loud horrible rock music. Caryn, ever take-charge and speak-up, asks the waitress to turn it down, but...it is (terrible) rock and roll night. Caryn is from NYC and speaks French fluently and in fact is going to France soon for a rendez-vous with her beloved. Deanne, super-cool, talks more about her terrific book of historical research into the legacy of the wild horse in the U.S.. I'm touched by her passion for ending the government slaughter, which continues to this day, of wild mustangs in the west. Barbara, one of the editors of the well-known Sun Runner desert magazine, and I share a plate of french fries and onion rings (the bar has stopped serving all but the most abysmal junk food.) Rainbow, who is a medical doctor also from NYC, talks about her yoga and tai-chi classes and says we need to go for a hike. It's hard to follow conversation, music way too loud, my mind is distracted, I give into my recent habit of zoning out, zoning out, and watch a table of rather innocent-looking marines drink a lot. One of them sidles out smoothly with a woman he has shared one dance with and gives his buddies a thumbs up as he chugs his beer and tosses the empty into the trash.

And the moon holds me on the drive home. Middle of night. I call a friend to talk, on speakerphone. Mesmerized, and losing the signal in the Morongo Pass, then calling back and picking it up again. The moon showers the open land. No one is in the desert, mid-summer, too hot to handle. Moonlight feels good. The sun is a brute. My writing is at once, now, more beautiful and richer and more violent than it was a year ago. What of it I've done. Debbie coerced me to write a haiku series, and helped me shape them into top haiku form, hopefully to be published in this year's Southern CA haiku journal, where I've published before. I'm nervous about several writing assignments I've been given. I drive home on empty roads, taking the shortcut, Indian Avenue, through Desert Hot Springs down to the I-10. Gratefully, I easily fall asleep. Be brave. Again. How could I ever have thought this is the best way to live. But it is. Still, it is. The desert is where my imagination lives and grows wings, grows sunflowers in my garden from a previous nothing-ness, where roads uncurl to infinity. Wisdom and eternal sunshine of the moon-mad mind. Maybe I don't have to be here to know this now, but for now, it's where I still live.

And sleep with blinds not concealing everything, no matter how hard I try to beef u their work with blankets pinned up with tacks. What more then, except to wake up to blasting sun at noon, and hide indoors all day until night comes back again, with that soothing moon. Pink Floyd is perfect. For here and now. The sunflowers hold their heads alert, the hummingbirds visit their blooms, but only at the start and close of day, in the twilight of birth and death. The dogs are bored. Brindle plays ball by himself, and Shasta stands nearby. Tarah has moved to the Salton Sea. I'm alone here again. Maybe she'll call, maybe she won't. Floating. Waiting. Drinking iced tea.

Almost there. The moon, I mean. Ready to quiver across the lips of my 90 degree pool. Kiss me deep where the water's over my head. Again. I can almost see you.

"I'm going to tell you a story,he said. But before I tell you that story, I am going to break your heart."

Into California: When the Desert Blooms, May 13, 2010

"The most we can do is to dream the myth onwards and give it a modern dress. And whatever explanation or interpretation does to it, we do to our own souls as well, with corresponding results for our own well-being." C. G. Jung/c. W 9i, par. 271


Into California....When the Desert Blooms: Literary Bounty in our Driest Lands
May 13, 2010 Riverside Art Museum.



Susan Straight, Ruth Nolan, Juan Felipe Herrera, Malcolm Margolin

A reading and panel discussion focused on California's Inland Empire and Mojave Desert. Sponsored by a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts. Co-sponsors: Heyday Books and the Inlandia Institute.

Heyday Books founder and No Place for a Puritan contributors at Riverside Art Museum on May 13. Article published on May 11, 2010 by LA Books Examiner. By Laura Frazin

No Place for a Puritan explores the literature of California's rich and diverse deserts

This Thursday May 13, 2010, Malcolm Margolin, the founder and publisher of Heyday Books, will be at the Riverside Art Museum at 6:00 p.m. Appearing with Malcolm Margolin will be Ruth Nolan, the editor of No Place for a Puritan: The Literature of California's Deserts, Susan Straight and Juan Felipe Herrera, contributors to No Place for a Puritan.

Heyday Books, based in Berkeley, California, aspires to deepen the awareness of California's rich cultural, natural, literary, and historic resources. Heyday Books recently participated in the April 2010 Los Angeles Times Festival of Books.

One of Heyday's many unique and fascinating books is No Place for a Puritan: The Literature of California's Deserts edited by Ruth Nolan. No Place for a Puritan is an anthology that includes the works of over 80 respected and award winning authors and poets, including John Steinbeck, Aldous Huxley, Susan Straight, and Juan Felipe Hererra.

Editor Ruth Nolan begins No Place for a Puritan with her descriptive tale of her early memories of California's wide and vast Mojave Desert. Her love of the desert was immediate and her intimate knowledge and appreciation of the desert's rich complexity is expressed through her books and poetry. Ruth Nolan teaches poetry, creative writing, desert literature, and Native American literature at College of the Desert in Palm Desert, California, where she is an associate professor of English. She is the founder and editor of Phantom Seed, a California desert literary magazine, and is a former wildland desert firefighter. Her poem "Mirage," which evokes strong desert imagery, is included in No Place for a Puritan.

Susan Straight, who will also be at the Riverside Museum of Art this Thursday, contributed the short story "Cellophane and Feathers" to No Place for a Puritan. "Cellophane and Feathers," originally published in Susan Straight's award winning collection of short stories, Aquaboogie, is the story of a desolate prisoner who is tasked with picking up trash alongside of the desert Interstate 10 freeway. Susan Straight is a novelist and writer of short stories and essays for adults and children, and is a professor of creative writing at the University of California, Riverside.

Juan Felipe Herrera, the award winning author and activist for at-risk youth and migrant communities, will also be at the Riverside Museum of Art this Thursday. The son of migrant workers, Juan Felipe Herrera teaches creative writing at the University of California, Riverside where he is the Tomas Rivera Endowed Chair. He is a prolific writer of poetry, prose, short stories, novels for adults and young adults, and children's picture books. His poem "Loss, Revival, and Retributions," originally published in his collection of poetry Night Train to Tuxtla, is one of the many richly unique contributions in the anthology No Place for a Puritan.

For more information about the event on Thursday May 13, 2010 at the Riverside Art Museum featuring Heyday Books' Malcolm Margolin, Ruth Nolin, Susan Straight, and Juan Felipe Herrera click here. http://www.examiner.com/x-31737-LA-Books-Examiner~y2010m5d11-Heyday-Books-founder-and-No-Place-for-a-Puritan-contributors-at-Riverside-Art-Museum-on-May-13?cid=edition-rss-Los_Angeles

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Poetry Reading Claremont 7.23, 7 pm

Scribblerus monthly series presents...

POETRY READING
Featured poets + open microphone
FRIDAY, JULY 23 – 7 PM


RUTH NOLAN
reading from Dry Waterfall
and
MICHAEL CLUFF
reading from Casino Evil

THOREAU’S BOOKSHOP
586 W 1st St, Claremont, CA 91711
http://www.yelp.com/biz/thoreaus-bookshop-claremont
in the Claremont Packinghouse

Guitar music by John Hendricks
refreshments by Virginia Bower

More information:
HELEN GRAZIANO
event Coordinator(909) 621-2876
sandigee@verizon.net

Saturday, July 17, 2010

One Star, Tonight

I look to the dark sky,
without my glasses
the night is fuzz,
I am in the warm pool
desert midnight - there you are,
star dandelion
here you are
splintered glass
rainbow light
ready
to blow away-
where you are
here and there
you hold steady, and everywhere
before you emerge
and merge
with me
and I touch you
with a finger, the same finger
I fingered on the oak tree
where you slipped
from your body
the way a snake
parts with its outgrown skin
and swims away
through the tall grass
through the sea sky
where, here,
you and I part
and meet
again
in the dark places
while all around us
it will be this way -
eternally, always was
the way stars
break apart
the way galaxies
are born
and die
and remain
unseen

--Ruth Nolan
copyright(c) 2010 by Ruth Nolan

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Andreas Canyon Haiku Series, 7.14.10, Palm Springs

San Andreas Haiku Series

fan palm oasis
everything stings, sticks or stabs
beauty killed you too

yellow butterflies
cottonwood fluff, deep water
burial at noon

we walked the canyon
two dragonflies, orange, blue
one loses a wing

heatwave: I seek shade
you’re hiding behind the sun
I can’t find you

lavender half dry
moisture clings to mesquite beans
you died in mid-spring

your dandelion eyes
blink on sun-lidded breezes
one last wink, all mine

it’s time to change rocks
the frog is ready to leap
fondle the trigger

by Ruth Nolan

Andreas Canyon Haiku Series
copyright (c) 2010 by Ruth Nolan


In memory of P.H., 1985-2010, he hiked there, too, more than once and he climbed the razor-wire fence to see what was beyond where we weren't supposed to go

...and thanks to my friend and haiku goddess, Deborah P. Kolodji, for guiding the Andreas Canyon Haiku Walk and Write with me this past May....and for inspiring me to write these tonight.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Red Arrow Gallery, Joshua Tree: Desert Poetry & Prose, Saturday July 24, 7:00 pm



In case you can't read the tiny print: it's at the Red Arrow Gallery, in downtown Joshua Tree, 61597 Twentynine Palms Hwy (Hwy 62). For more information, visit Red Arrow Gallery at www.theredarrowgallery.com, email info@theredarrowgallery.com or call 760-366-3700. The reading is free to the public, and will feature free wine, cheese and crackers, for attendees. You can also email me at runolan@aol.com

The reading starts at 7:00 pm, and I am honored to be reading with critically-acclaimed writer Deanne Stillman author of Mustang: the Saga of the Wild Horse in the American West - A Los Angeles Times Best Book, 2008 and winner of the California Book Award Silver Medal for nonfiction. Deanne is also author of the outstanding, award-winning book Twentynine Palms: A True Story of Murder, Marines, and the Mojave, , which Hunter Thompson called "A strange and brilliant story by an important American writer."

I will be reading my prose and poetry from the anthology I've edited, No Place for a Puritan: the literature of California's deserts (Heyday Books, 2009) and also new desert writing I have been generating. Copies of the anthology, along with Phantom Seed: a literary magazine of California desert poetry & prose, a magazine I co-edit, and copies of my two poetry chapbooks, Dry Waterfall and Wild Wash Road, (both on Petroglyph Books) will also be available for sale.

A BIG thank you to gallery owner & writer Cheryl Montelle for organizing and hosting this in her super-cool high desert gallery!! Thanks, Cheryl, for all you do, for so many desert-related artists and writers, and the desert communities!

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Fourth of July, London Planetree

Finally. Mind-spin has slowed. The pool water warms to above many tepid degrees. Swimming is now for night, for the silent shriek of stars. They say we are approaching the Milky Way, and it's at night that this I can most feel. I feel tepid. I've been on auto-pilot in many no-fly zones for months.

It's a time to crawl back to my blog, crawl back to my inner stance and inner self, to that quiet and private, ironically human-connecting place called "home," which means the house on California Drive, behind stucco walls, shouldering a wild sunflower garden that I planted and nurture myself, resting on the large-tiled, cool floors on a woolen blanket I got at Warner's Hot Spring Ranch last winter....going within, going within, air conditioning clicking on and off, complete stillness. Reflecting, reflecting, processing, staggering inwardly, meditating, slowing....it...down...

Days here, now, are heat and sun blinded.

Fourth of July. How I wish you were here. Fireworks. That sums it up, about the two of us, me, and my absent shadow-twin. Thank you for downloading all of the music of Pink Floyd on my PC....how I listen to it now. My first album, bought in a giddy, I-just-got-paid-from-my-first-job-at-Victorville-McDonald's shopping spree:

Dark Side of the Moon.

Dad's headphones, the diamond-needled stereo, the 70's vintage swivel orange chair. Head back. Stoned by that music, beyond immaculate. Still. Something you and I shared. So I could be 16 again, and 47, and 25, and everything beyond, before and in between. Me and You. And the Doors. Of course. Blake, my favorite poet. How I loved turning you on, to the Gates of Heaven and Hell. The Songs of Innocence and Experience. You had a brilliant mind for knowledge and words. Break on Through. You Did.

And here I am. I broke on through. Through what, and to where? Oh, dark desert bed-room. I own a three bedroom house, and my office is the darkest room of all. Where I write, where I work, where I try to keep piles of work and poetry and writing manuscripts neat. Happy pictures of me. With Tarah. When we were so naive.

Back to our Holiday Weather. It's much cooler than it would normally be. We're at 103, instead of 113, without humidity. Still. This is our shut-in season. Where others elsewhere are coming alive, agitating about, the desert is in reverse time. Tourists are mostly gone (except for a few here to enjoy cheap, summer hotel rates at fine resorts)...the wicker blinds in my office are mostly down, and the deep blue sari I've stretched behind them keeps the sun from heating my time.

So, this summertime. In the low desert. I now have two MP3's, filled with tunes.

You can only really see and breathe and inhabit fully when the long afternoon finally smalls itself down into shadows. The mind begins to gel. So it's rather brave I'm writing this at 2:21 pm. I see that the moment I look down. And get this. That is the date of Philip's birth. He'd smile to see the synchronicity of that. We were both intensively into Jungian mythopoetics and philosophy...Ah. Now, the computer screen says 2:22. And that is the number of Phil's cemetery plot, his final resting place, at Olivewood Cemetery in Riverside. Number 222. Somehow, this is all cosmic, and this is all soothing, and this is all good. I have to brush away a few tears. Grief does not know anything familiar. Grief has its own agenda. It's my constant accomplice now, and sometimes it is benevolent and at other times it's a sword that pins me down. Today, I am glad I'm writing. Finally, after months of difficulty articulating. Who, what or where I am.

This is no coincidence, our ancestors might say.

And this is to know: that I am not in the same degree I was before. My life, my psyche, my self, are light years deeper and richer and exponentially lifted beyond anything I thought I was at the beginning of 2010. I am a Tiger. A water Tiger. and this is my year. I am also a Scorpio, and everything is amazing, deep, butterfly-dancing, migrations of old and singing of new songs. Could I call this a crossroads? Life has been a wild game of ping-pong, soccer, basketball. I soothe into rhythms that are familiar to my athletic sensibility, my poetic flow....but this is the wildest mesh of games I've ever been in. Is this a field, or is it a court? Am I on a table that's suddenly getting smashed up? Tennis is familiar, really my game, but I don't play now because, well, I bought racquets for two, and one person is gone.

This is a time to read the words of elders. To listen to wisdom. To sit deep in Palm Canyon, at water's edge. To let waterfalls curl out of tangled words. To rest in a park, in a grove of London Planetrees, studying mushrooms that have sprouted from an absent spot where a tree has died, or been taken out, and not replaced, from a perfect, linear arrangement of rare and fragile, imported sycamores. The whole story is here.

Perhaps, more accurately, I'm experiencing a great and deep and widening and narrowing circling in, circling in, rounding about, and returning to some familiar home. Same bones, different angles and curves; trails I've walked but never before knew...like this. Great triumphs and life-thrust events: Tarah's wedding, Mom & Dad's 50th anniversary, not-common family visits from those I've been close to and in many ways lost touch in life's rush: my cousin Shari and her four beautiful children who I deeply love; my cousin Beth who was/is like a sister to me (together, in San Bernardino and the desert, we grew up, until she got married at 18 and moved away...to Texas!), and her two teenage boys; and the terrible shock and sorrow of my psychic soulmate and lover and best friend Phil's suicide death in early April, in a remote area called the Badlands, which is rather invisibly lodged between Moreno Valley/Calimesa and the beautiful citrus towns of Redlands and Loma Linda. A place of ancient, old California Oak trees in tall grasses, tucked into rolling hills. A place most people have never known, or will quickly forget. But. Not Me. It's not far from a modern-day freeway rest-stop where a band of Native Americans died in the southern California smallpox epidemic of 1863 which, like all fevered epidemics, breaks forth out of sky, and soil, and breath, and rages through the softest smiles, breaking out in death, only to suddenly depart, the wounded left in shock. It may have been the infected blankets. No one has said. Few even know this happened. Somehow, I do. How it happened. Yeah. That's for the authorities. Why? Approach that one on foot, whatever you do.

"I wish my life could go back to where it was before April 9th."

That is the first thing I wrote in the now-gathering stacks of big yellow notepads where I've been journaling intensively, the moment I found out about Phil's death. In a horrible way. By calling a number on a notecard left on my door, when I arrived home from Berkeley at mid-day on April 11th - feeling sad, disappointed Phil's car was gone, and disturbed by the horrible nightmares I'd had on Friday night, and the fact that I was unable to reach him by phone - the number of the Cabazon police. Who were pretty fucking abrupt in how they told me. Why are THEY even in San Timoteo Canyon? How do they know? It had to have been an accident. It was, the dull voice on the other end told me, most certainly not. Fuck you. I may have said. Every story ends the way it is supposed to be. Except for this one.

To hear that, some stranger's voice telling me my loved one was long-dead, over the goddamned phone, and proceed to grill me like the inquisition..... instinctively, I reached for a clean yellow journal and a pen. All I could do was start writing. And then, begin to sob. And grab the phone to start making what were undoubtedly madwoman, hysterical calls. That journal, and two subsequent ones, have been through so much in the past three months I've had to duct-tape the tablets together. Phone numbers, emails for friends of Phil's who I met in the most unlikely get together of a young man's funeral, he was a widely popular guy, and his family, and the private investigator, and more. How can I keep this all straight? I'm in hypertext. Non-Linear Land. And Water. And Sky. End on End within. This is the end, my friend.

It's July 4th, and I've been floating on auto pilot for the past three months. One reading and lecture and friend outreach and event and crushing afternoon or evening and class to teach and family event to class to reading to event....for three months. And now, time has come to land. I'm landing, and I'm not sure about this at all. I want my life back. But I'm 12 weeks down the road, in this odd little, metaphorical unplanned "pregnancy" that has me in chokehold, no turning back. Certainly, some great thing will be born of this. For now, I'm carrying the baby and the bathwater, which is increasingly heavy, and warm, and isolating, and not sure how to bear this new body of mine, how to balance in heaven or on earth, where to place my feet, and what to do with my heart.

The missing plane-tree. Where I instinctively sat. And cried. It will take time for those of us remaining in the beauty of grass and trees to grow around where you are so suddenly not. For now, a few mushrooms, and butterflies, and puffs of cigarette smoke. A season of long, drawn breathing. Summer. Is Here. Like it or not. The colors, the raging light. Mixed in with the pulling in. To avoid Heatstroke. The soothing, quiet beauty of desert summer nights, the deep end of the pool.